Living through Memories

10.21.2016

Memories are something I am trying to escape.

A world where all was well, and “I love you,” carried the biggest meaning.
Now the world has been turned upside down.

Scurrying across, a sea of thoughts, looking for the last “I love you” that meant it.

Wanting futures.
Wanting a life with that person.

Despite not getting, “I love you” back,  I can close my eyes and miss her.
Despite not getting, “I love you” back, I can keep searching for her heart that was once mine, and mine, hers.
Despite not getting, “I love you,” back, I can try to savor every “I love you” from the past.

It is something I know you can say, maybe, and I am holding on to too many maybes.

I’ve been told, “what ifs” were bad. I’ve been told maybes were bad.
I’ve been told, that hoping for dreams to become realities were bad.

They are all probably right.

But you are the one “what if,” that matters.

After stupid attempts, at trying to say “I love you.”
After wishing for something so important.
I close my eyes, and I can hope.
I am not clinging.
I am moving.
And I want to let you know.
I am waiting for you to catch up.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Thrown away, a shadow of a dark self, a resonating darkness that sits in obscurities.
I’ve seen my evils replayed again and again.
I’ve seen my jealousy replayed again and again.
I’ve seen my every “fuck you,” replayed again and again.
I’ve seen my every “Don’t come home,” replayed again and again.
I’m throwing out those tapes.
I understand that the past is in the past.
There is no taking it back.
I’ve hurt the person I love the most,
and I’m sorry.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Like I said
yesterday.

My actions will be saying, “I love you.”
Because I truly do.

~Medici Cruz

 

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Living through Memories

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